In a shocking revelation almost a week after Arsenal’s loss to Manchester United, Arsene Wenger has finally admitted that the actual reason for his team’s loss was not the Old Trafford pitch. After being criticized for blaming the pitch in sections of the media and by a lot of Arsenal fans (me included), Wenger obviously had to come up with a better excuse.
At a press conference today, Arsene was put under the microscope again regarding the loss by the media and with an uncharacteristic slip of the tongue said, "I believe that Salman Butt.. err... Cesc Fabregas could have played better". Cesc Fabregas was thought by us all to have come on to substitute Tomas Rosicky in the 64th minute of the game. As it turns out it was actually Pakistan cricketer Salman Butt! Wenger then owned up to the fact and then in his usual factual way said, “I firmly believed it was just that Csec lacked a little strength, technique, togetherness (and 5 more of his keywords) on the day. Then I discovered it was not Cesc when he disappeared after the game." Butt had escaped to a posh hotel in London. Wenger continued - "If it was actually Cesc we would have won 3 or 4 nil”. He was obviously forgetting that United had scored a goal in the first half itself. When a journalist in the room pointed that out, his reply was, "From where I was sitting I could not see it. I will have to look at the replay and see if it was a goal." Another journalist in the room who also happened to be an Arsenal fan was about to fling a microphone at him in disgust before he was reined in by his colleagues. In those few seconds Wenger showed that he is as good as his players when it comes to being silky and slid out of the room.
Apparently, it all started when Wenger was boarding the flight to Manchester, saw Butt, and thinking he was Fabregas asked him why he came even though he was injured. Butt replied, “I just have to play this one game for my team.” Wenger, obviously happy with his ‘captain’s’ commitment took him on board. Little did he know that Butt was talking about a totally different 'game' and 'team'.
Undercover reporters from The Guardian newspaper, desperate to publish some news that criticizes Arsenal, have since released a video from a hidden camera which was placed in Butt's hotel room, in which he is seen receiving a bundle of cash for what his 'team' called a "match-winning" effort. When asked about the game Butt responded with the same lack of confidence that you see in his footwork when he’s batting. Biting his nails he said, “I am completely innocent. I just wanted to win the game for Arsenal and I think that I have performed to the best of my ability.” On further investigation, it was found that Salman Butt had made plans to go to Old Trafford about a week before the match. His 'team' then asked Butt to run on to the pitch during the game assuring him that a bet on the incident will have high stakes. Butt was to receive his share of the payoff if he managed to stay on the pitch longer than one minute. Butt couldn't believe his luck to be on the actual team and wanted to use the opportunity to get some much needed match practice which is impossible when playing for the Pakistan cricket team. "Once I'm on the field, I concentrate on getting settled and staying there for the 'team'. The pitch was turning a lot (now we know why Arsene said "bad pitch") but I fought hard to stay there", he said. He was nervous but of course aware that he could escape by getting back home to share his earnings with who else but the PCB, so that they could in turn blindly claim that England had fixed their football World Cup match against Germany to divert attention.
The real Cesc Fabregas wasn't available for comment as he was busy on Skype. Yes, his friends in the Barca team are reportedly using the new group video chat option to lure him to the Nou Camp in January itself. Sam Allardyce who wasn't even asked to comment came forward to say, "Well, these are not valid excuses. I can do much better than that" hinting that he might be interested in the Arsenal top job that he will never get, after his sacking by the new Blackburn owners who think the best way to start "great things" at the club is by removing a manager who was not doing too badly midway through a tough EPL season.
Disclaimer: As you have definitely figured out by now, the post is entirely false. Just a rant from a frustrated Gooner who cannot take more lame excuses for Arsenal not winning the BIG games. For the record, I still am and will always be an Arsenal fan and I still think Arsene Wenger is one of the best managers in the world. I also have Cesc's squad number on my Arsenal shirt, so there's no question about the great admiration I have for his game.
Credits: Thanks to @vikasgowda20 of Buffering Brain fame for sharing this link which inspired the post. So its not me who originally thought Butt and Fabregas look alike. I obviously do see it now though. Do you?
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